Whole Picture Parenting

A holistic approach to children's emotional and behavioural challenges

BLOG:   19 June 2026

Parenting: gentle or firm?

This is a common point of contention among parents... some feel it's more important to stay connected, others think it's more important to hold the line. What if you and your co-parent disagree? What is better for the child?
 

What do we actually mean by gentle? By firm? 

When we clarify what is meant, the path forward becomes less confusing:
 

Firmness is a greatly misunderstood concept: it is not about being stricter, drawing harsher boundaries or punishing poor behaviour. It is about being clear about the values we hold, embodying them and guiding our children to embrace them. 

For example: if our intention is to limit the child’s screen time, being firm is not about screaming at them louder, policing them and devising punishments for not sticking to the rules. It’s about prioritising the value of balancing online social communication and entertainment with personal responsibilities, downtime, connection with the people around us,  outdoor time, nature and exercise for mental and physical wellbeing. The best way to be firm is to work on our own screen-life balance (role-modelling our ideals, challenges and strategies); and to communicate and collaborate with the child to set limits and guide them through the challenges which come up for them.

Gentleness is often mistaken for being ineffectual, doing back-flips on boundaries and letting anything fly. However, true gentleness is about empathy. It’s about approaching the child with an open heart and mind and a willingness to see things from their point of view. If we are willing to understand, we can keep the communication open and collaborate with the child to overcome the obstacles they are facing in sticking to the limits we have set. Perhaps their concerns can be accommodated without compromising our values.

We can stick to our values and stay open to our children. Firm and gentle. This way we can stay emotionally close and connected while helping them to develop healthy values and life skills.

Let me know if this is helpful to you! I’d love to hear from you.

🌻Nicki